so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
