Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
