I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
