When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
