so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
