I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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