Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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