either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i came on her dog
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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