I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
no, he came in my armpit
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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