I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
