my phone needs a breathalizer
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
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one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
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Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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