After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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