I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
