so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
