That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
