if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
sarcasm needs its own font
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
is it fun? or sober?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
