in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
