Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
