Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
