dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
