I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
