Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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