I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
