were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
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She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
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I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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