I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you traded sex for a burrito?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
