god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
