So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The best revenge is premature balding
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
