How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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