Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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