the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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