Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
