I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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