I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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