Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Your tits are I can't wait for
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
