I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
