Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
