oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
