Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
this hospital has no fireball
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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