omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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