Your mouth is God's brothel.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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