my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
did i just pee glitter
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
