So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
