He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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