Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
