Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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