seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
