Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
