dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
