I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
