I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
