rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
