I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
