I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
