get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
