1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm really into asian looking animals
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
