Someone shit on the floor
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
