Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
