I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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