i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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